Thursday, November 4, 2010

Logline Try


this is the logline (similar to a back cover blurb) for a novel I am currently working on. I would like your feedback if you don't mind.

TITLE: Victor's Rage
GENRE: YA historical

When her mother wants to marry sixteen year old Rieke Waldmann to the miller, Rieke realizes why equal rights and self-determination are so important to her secret love William. But Willem leaves home and fights in the German revolution of 1848, and Rieke battles her growing attraction to the gentle young miller, the first person to understand and appreciate her the way she is. Then, Rieke discovers disturbing truths about her late father, and choosing either of her suitors could cost her her love, her friendship and her home. (89 words)

Thanks a lot,


Rachael Harrie said...

Hi Kat. I think you need to work on getting it down to 2 sentences (for MSFV auction) and perhaps later to 1 (phew, a terrifying task!). Have you thought about starting off with something like "Sixteen year old Rieke faces an agonizing choice: marry... or..." Then your last sentence might make a great second line. Just a thought, hope this helps :)


charlotteotter said...

The premise is lovely, but I think it may be a bit wordy. I stumbled a bit in the first paragraph, not sure if Willem was the miller. Perhaps if you name the miller, then it's less problematic. I think you need to try and get it down to two sentences, for the purposes of this blogfest anyway.

By the way, I live in Germany too! I'm an English-language writer but most of my life happens in German ...

meradeth said...

This does need to be a bit shorter. Also, Willem and William are so close--can you just mention one? Your last sentence is where your "hook" kind of lies, so that's what I'd recommend playing up more :)

Nicole Zoltack said...

I think you need to narrow your focus to the two boys she's torn between. I need to know more about her, and the two boys. Why is she attracted to them - what about them? I think it would be easier if you name all three. I do like the last line. Good luck!

LS Murphy said...

I'm with Nicole, focus on the two boys.
Good luck.

Huntress said...

I'd say pick out the vital information - the protag, the antag, the conflict, the result - and add to it slowly. Try to stay under 40 - 50 words or less.

djmills said...

Cat, the instructions on blurbs are on my blog:

Basics of burbs are based on the first 30-50 pages of the story. No more. One paragraph on protagonist and situation, second paragraph on antagonist and problem. Use questions, emotion and payoffs.
Never write the ending of the story. You want the reader to purchase and find out the ending from the blurb. :-)

So, hook:
Sixteen year old Rieke Waldmann's mother wants her to marry the miller, but her secret love is Willem.

The problem:
When Willem leaves to fight in Germany's revolution of 1848, Ricke battles her growing attraction and friendship to the miller.

Then if this is in the first 30-50 pages and is the central question, the reason to care for the protag:
Fighting her attraction for the miller, she discovers disturbing truths about her late father. Will these truths cost both her suitors, and her home?

Hope this helps.

Jackee said...

Hi, Katharina! Great to meet another fellow German history buff. :o)

I love this logline and the story it conveys. My own suggestion would be to trim it down. The shorter the better. :o)

Good luck!

roh morgon said...

This has potential, but as the other reviewers have noted, it needs to be more succinct. I like djmills' suggestions - dissect it, tighten each component, then reassemble.

I think I'll use this formula to re-examine my own logline!

djmills said...

Cat, 2 things I didn't mention about blurbs.

First, remove all "to be" verbs when you have the sentences written. That makes if active, not passive.

Second, loglines are only for movies, not books. A logline is a single sentence explaining the movie, but it is similar to the story sentence in HTTS. A blurb is more than one sentence as I explained in the earlier comment.

Hope this all helps. :-)

Cat said...

Thank you all. I'll rewrite this again as soon as possible. I was so wrapped in my NaNo novel that I forgot to look here, but I'll have the day off tomorrow. I'll follow your suggestions then and return the favor for all who commented and have their own logline/blurb posted.

Kristal Shaff said...

I an really terrible at pitch lines, so I admire anyone that can make a go at it.

Keep up the good work!